Milestone

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I finished going through the last box of my parents' belongings today. It was mostly bills and paperwork so not overly emotional. Though my dad's "Story of a Lifetime" book was in there - a book we bought him with prompts so he could fill in stories about his life. He didn't get as far as he or we hoped, but it's still nice to have what we do. I flipped through it for a second and had to laugh. For the prompt "What were you like as a child?" He wrote: (perfect) 

I miss him.

And mom. I found a devotion I started but hadn't finished that was about the fruits of the spirit and under Love, I was supposed to put a person who exemplified that, and of course I listed her. 

I also wrapped up things with Mom's account in Canada which is a huge relief. Trying to get my affairs in order for my kids. So grateful to my parents for doing what they did, but there were still some tough loose ends. Hoping to avoid that for the next generation.  

Only Big Kids Now

My ex got laid off last August. He finally got a new job in February, but it's overseeing a plant on the other side of town, and one in Ohio. So he has to travel fairly often - hopefully only for the first 6 months or so. So the dog has been having to stay with me 4-5 days every couple of weeks. It's a struggle that I'll get into later. 

I preface the story with this detail because he had to go out of town the week he was supposed to have the kids, so I had them for two weeks in a row, so then he had them for two weeks in a row, which I did not like. I missed them too much. But they came back Saturday and got settled in. That night, V said he didn't need me to put him to bed; he'd been doing it himself the last few days. I knew it would probably happen within the next year, but I really wasn't ready. Between that and having taken S on a college visit early that week, my mama heart was proud, but sad, too. 

Tired of Being STRONG

In November, a boy from our church was riding in the car with his dad when they were hit by a drunk driver. Nolan was in critical condition. Blue signs and bracelets were made – #NOLANSTRONG. We prayed; we held a walk; we rallied. In the end, his little body was too traumatized, and he passed away. 

It was particularly hard on V. They weren't close, V was a year older, but ran in the same group. They had gone with a couple of other boys to a KU football game a few weeks before the accident. For a 10 YO to process this, on top of having broken his wrist over the summer, his ankle during the fall, and just see the frailty of life in general was a lot. I started taking him to the counselor I saw last year, and that has helped. 

Then this past Sunday, the Chiefs beat the 49ers in Super Bowl LVIII in Vegas in OT. With the weather being unseasonably warm in the 60s and all the new football fans (thanks to the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce romance), S and I decided not to go to the parade. V was disappointed, but we went last year, so once I set him up with an opportunity to hang out at a friend's house, he was ok. 

I'm so grateful we didn't go. 

It was a beautiful day, Kansas City at its finest. Probably around the same number of fans attended as in 2023. The rally wrapped up outside of Union Station, and as people started to head out, gunshots erupted. 22 people were shot: 1 was killed. 

Half were kids. 

And then the posts and images of Kansas City Strong started showing up. 

I know people mean well. I know they want to support our community. We will heal. But we shouldn't have to. I'm so tired of being STRONG. On a walk yesterday, I told God I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm ready for him to come back. This world is not my home, and I'm done here. 

But it's not my time, it's His. 

So for now, I'll keep praying and trusting in Him and letting Him be strong for me.

Dear Diary

Last week at work was Wellness Week. It's a week where we focus on all aspects of health - exercise, nutrition, mental health, philanthropy. One of the tasks was to write a journal entry about my personal growth, my health and wellbeing, and/or my goals and aspirations. 

I haven't been making time for journaling like I had planned to. On the plus side, I am doing MUCH better than I was a year ago. But if I'm completely honest, I haven't really done the introspection work I need to. I've been focusing outwardly. Which is good, but doesn't fully resolve the internal struggle. Maybe acknowledging that will lead to making it a priority. We'll see. 

For now, I'll address the items listed above. With respect to my personal growth, I went to my 30th high school reunion. It was fun and awkward and weird all rolled into one. Some people look exactly the same. Some look totally different. Some I really didn't remember. There were quite a few first-timers there which was fun. The tour of the school was cool. Crazy that the band teacher and the theater teacher are still there. Ultimately, I'd say I've grown leaps and bounds from the person I was in high school. 

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my health and wellbeing. I need to schedule a yearly physical. I haven't been doing a good job of taking care of myself. Busy with the kids and their crazy schedules, work, and just life. I'm tired. 

As for goals and aspirations, I guess I'd say I want to try to take the kids to Canada next year. I'd like to do a mission trip to Poland the following summer. I want to do a better job managing my finances. I need to save for a car. I think my dream job is still to be a travel writer, but need to be writing more if I want to make a career of it. Maybe someday when the kids are out of the house. 

For now, I need to get some work done, a little housecleaning, and some praying since S got her license and is driving around on her own now. Overall, life is good. And I'm grateful since I wouldn't have said that this time last year. 

I Don't Know How You'll Make a Way, But I Know You Will

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I'm writing this post to archive this memory and to give God praise for everything. 

One of the ways I hear from Him most clearly is that I often have a song stuck in my head when I wake up in the morning. Today was "Know You Will" by Hillsong United. I just kept hearing the refrain over and over - "I don’t know how you’ll make a way, but I know you will." 

To be frank, my bank account is in dire straits this week. But I wasn’t even thinking about that, honestly. I was actually feeling a sense of foreboding that a new challenge was going to pop up and this was to prepare me for it. But then a friend gifted me some money unexpectedly, and I felt God's hand in it. 

Grateful for my friend listening to His voice and obeying, and for His providence and care for my family and me. 

What's the Word?

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Alanis Morrisette would say it was ironic. Coincidence? Satirical? Maybe just weird. I'm not sure.

Tuesday was the one-year anniversary of my divorce. That night, my ex got into an accident, totaling his Explorer. Flashback to 2018 when he was hit head-on by an F150, totaling his first Explorer, which was the impetus to the downward spiral of our lives, culminating in the divorce. 

What do you call that kind of absurd alignment?

I want to say it bookended that chapter of life, but I'm not sure that it did. I want this to make a positive impact in my ex's life. I want him to see what's really important. But I feel like the odds of him relapsing into a mid-life crisis is more likely than a come-to-Jesus moment. For my kids' sake, I'm praying that doesn't happen again. 

My son was in the car with him Tuesday, and thankfully no one was seriously injured. It was a white-knuckle drive to the scene for me as I prayed that he was ok. The paramedics were finishing looking him over in dark in the freezing rain when I got there. Seeing him standing up on his own was a huge relief. They released him to me to take to the ER for a thorough exam, and as we passed the poor teen who had been driving the other car, I squeezed his arm and told him it was ok. He and his dad were apologetic and the poor kid was distraught. But in the end, cars can be replaced. Everyone walked away from it and that's all that matters. 

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I had such good intentions after my last post to just use a minute or two, here or there and not worry about making a long, or even cohesive post. But frankly, just finishing the year took most of my time and energy. So quick summary of the last 6 months: 

Mom passed away May 14. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. She hadn't spoken in a couple of years and stopped being herself long before that. But now it's truly final. My sister and I went for a walk that night, and I took her past my new house. The next morning I got up and found a tick on my ass. It was too much for me. All I could think was, "Really, God? Really?" Thankfully my sister was still staying with me (poor thing), but if she hadn't been there, I'd have had no one to help - no husband, no father, no mother. I'm all alone now. And nothing punctuated that feeling more than needing a bloodsucking insect removed from a delicate location I can't reach myself. 

In the early morning hours of June 8, I slept through an EF1 tornado at the apartment. My emergency alerts didn't go off on my phone, and the storm was so loud it drowned out the sirens. I heard the wind and knew there was a storm, but thought that was all it was. Thankfully there was just a large tree down outside my door, but no real structural damage, and no one was injured. 

I took possession of my house June 17. Thanks to a dozen friends and old neighbors, we were able to repaint the three bedrooms before the carpet was installed the Saturday before the movers came. That Monday S's bed was delivered from Nebraska Furniture Mart and the movers came on Tuesday. And then both the garage doors broke and the sewer backed up into the basement - all before Friday. The magnitude of work that was already needed felt intimidating, but that made it so overwhelming it was paralyzing. I felt like I couldn't do anything to fix it up until I addressed the major issues. And they were each thousands of dollars, so I tried to start saving but everything was more expensive than I had budgeted when I'd gone on that trip with my friends in March. I had to buy during the highest housing prices ever. I had to replace the carpet to be able to move in and immediately fix the sewer. Then inflation hit - the highest increase seen in 40 years. I found myself living paycheck to paycheck again, only surviving because of the maintenance check I get from my ex. Another poke from the devil. I'd planned to put those checks into savings and live on my own, but I've been forced to continue to rely on him. Hoping things settle down a bit financially in 2023. 

I did do one fiscally irresponsible thing, and that was take a trip to Colorado the week after I moved into my house. I'd decided not to go - I couldn't afford it after all the things just listed - but I never so desperately needed to get away. Plus I was working in our Denver office while I was there, so I didn't take PTO, and I stayed with friends so I only had to pay for gas and food. The cheapest vacation I could possibly take. And boy it was good for my soul. I saw friends from the dorms and went to my sorority's reunion where we got to stay in the new house. I'm not sure I could have made it til fall without full mental breakdown if I hadn't had that respite.

Then it was back to reality - braces for R, the first of two years of 3 kids in 3 schools began, V was baptized by S, S went to California to be in the Hollywood Christmas Parade. And I started therapy. 

My therapist was wonderful. She got me to a point where I was able to unpack all the emotions I'd been shoving down for the last 2 years. I'm not completely fixed by any stretch, but healing has begun.