Photo by Ante Gudelj on Unsplash

I had such good intentions after my last post to just use a minute or two, here or there and not worry about making a long, or even cohesive post. But frankly, just finishing the year took most of my time and energy. So quick summary of the last 6 months: 

Mom passed away May 14. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. She hadn't spoken in a couple of years and stopped being herself long before that. But now it's truly final. My sister and I went for a walk that night, and I took her past my new house. The next morning I got up and found a tick on my ass. It was too much for me. All I could think was, "Really, God? Really?" Thankfully my sister was still staying with me (poor thing), but if she hadn't been there, I'd have had no one to help - no husband, no father, no mother. I'm all alone now. And nothing punctuated that feeling more than needing a bloodsucking insect removed from a delicate location I can't reach myself. 

In the early morning hours of June 8, I slept through an EF1 tornado at the apartment. My emergency alerts didn't go off on my phone, and the storm was so loud it drowned out the sirens. I heard the wind and knew there was a storm, but thought that was all it was. Thankfully there was just a large tree down outside my door, but no real structural damage, and no one was injured. 

I took possession of my house June 17. Thanks to a dozen friends and old neighbors, we were able to repaint the three bedrooms before the carpet was installed the Saturday before the movers came. That Monday S's bed was delivered from Nebraska Furniture Mart and the movers came on Tuesday. And then both the garage doors broke and the sewer backed up into the basement - all before Friday. The magnitude of work that was already needed felt intimidating, but that made it so overwhelming it was paralyzing. I felt like I couldn't do anything to fix it up until I addressed the major issues. And they were each thousands of dollars, so I tried to start saving but everything was more expensive than I had budgeted when I'd gone on that trip with my friends in March. I had to buy during the highest housing prices ever. I had to replace the carpet to be able to move in and immediately fix the sewer. Then inflation hit - the highest increase seen in 40 years. I found myself living paycheck to paycheck again, only surviving because of the maintenance check I get from my ex. Another poke from the devil. I'd planned to put those checks into savings and live on my own, but I've been forced to continue to rely on him. Hoping things settle down a bit financially in 2023. 

I did do one fiscally irresponsible thing, and that was take a trip to Colorado the week after I moved into my house. I'd decided not to go - I couldn't afford it after all the things just listed - but I never so desperately needed to get away. Plus I was working in our Denver office while I was there, so I didn't take PTO, and I stayed with friends so I only had to pay for gas and food. The cheapest vacation I could possibly take. And boy it was good for my soul. I saw friends from the dorms and went to my sorority's reunion where we got to stay in the new house. I'm not sure I could have made it til fall without full mental breakdown if I hadn't had that respite.

Then it was back to reality - braces for R, the first of two years of 3 kids in 3 schools began, V was baptized by S, S went to California to be in the Hollywood Christmas Parade. And I started therapy. 

My therapist was wonderful. She got me to a point where I was able to unpack all the emotions I'd been shoving down for the last 2 years. I'm not completely fixed by any stretch, but healing has begun.