How am I supposed to love when my heart is broken?

Photo by Cristian Palmer on Unsplash

After our court hearing yesterday, I felt sick to my stomach. I expected mixed emotions – sadness and relief. But the relief didn't come, just the grief and hurt. It didn't help that he texted that morning to ask if our appointment was yesterday. Reading that message took my breath away. March 7, 2022 at 4:00pm was etched in my brain as starkly as any other major life event, but to him it was just another day. I felt tossed aside and irrelevant. Not only did he not care enough about our marriage to fight for it, but he cared so little he forgot when it ended.

That may not be true. He may have been dreading it so pushed it from his mind. But given the background of the last two years, that isn't my conclusion.

The Zoom call was as easy as the process could be, I suppose, aside from the mediator having some issues getting our paperwork to the judge. When it was done, I allowed myself a couple of minutes to cry silently, then wiped my tears and walked out of the bedroom to check on the kids. They seemed unfazed, which is good. That's the reason we chose nesting during our separation; we wanted to make the transition as easy as possible for them. I took our oldest to dance class, then made dinner and gave instructions to the other two for while I was gone to my women's Bible study. The companionship of these incredible women and discussion surrounding the book we're reading was salve for my soul.

But when I got back home, I struggled with being patient with the kids. I love them so much, but it hurts to feel that emotion right now. I know I need to give myself time and space to have the breakdown my body demands, but I'm trying to hold on a little longer. Until I move to my own space, hopefully this July.

In the meantime, I'm resting in these lyrics from Jeremy Camps "Out of My Hands"

Every day this never-ending pressure
Tries to take its claim over my heart
I have tried to hold it all together
But time and time again, I fall apart
But that's where I find my life was never mine at all
You are the one inside always in control

So when it feels like all of this pain is never gonna end
Brought to my knees by all of these things I don't understand, don't understand
I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand
Out of my hands and into Yours,
out of my hands and into Yours