I Don't Know How You'll Make a Way, But I Know You Will

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I'm writing this post to archive this memory and to give God praise for everything. 

One of the ways I hear from Him most clearly is that I often have a song stuck in my head when I wake up in the morning. Today was "Know You Will" by Hillsong United. I just kept hearing the refrain over and over - "I don’t know how you’ll make a way, but I know you will." 

To be frank, my bank account is in dire straits this week. But I wasn’t even thinking about that, honestly. I was actually feeling a sense of foreboding that a new challenge was going to pop up and this was to prepare me for it. But then a friend gifted me some money unexpectedly, and I felt God's hand in it. 

Grateful for my friend listening to His voice and obeying, and for His providence and care for my family and me. 

What's the Word?

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Alanis Morrisette would say it was ironic. Coincidence? Satirical? Maybe just weird. I'm not sure.

Tuesday was the one-year anniversary of my divorce. That night, my ex got into an accident, totaling his Explorer. Flashback to 2018 when he was hit head-on by an F150, totaling his first Explorer, which was the impetus to the downward spiral of our lives, culminating in the divorce. 

What do you call that kind of absurd alignment?

I want to say it bookended that chapter of life, but I'm not sure that it did. I want this to make a positive impact in my ex's life. I want him to see what's really important. But I feel like the odds of him relapsing into a mid-life crisis is more likely than a come-to-Jesus moment. For my kids' sake, I'm praying that doesn't happen again. 

My son was in the car with him Tuesday, and thankfully no one was seriously injured. It was a white-knuckle drive to the scene for me as I prayed that he was ok. The paramedics were finishing looking him over in dark in the freezing rain when I got there. Seeing him standing up on his own was a huge relief. They released him to me to take to the ER for a thorough exam, and as we passed the poor teen who had been driving the other car, I squeezed his arm and told him it was ok. He and his dad were apologetic and the poor kid was distraught. But in the end, cars can be replaced. Everyone walked away from it and that's all that matters. 

Photo by Ante Gudelj on Unsplash

I had such good intentions after my last post to just use a minute or two, here or there and not worry about making a long, or even cohesive post. But frankly, just finishing the year took most of my time and energy. So quick summary of the last 6 months: 

Mom passed away May 14. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. She hadn't spoken in a couple of years and stopped being herself long before that. But now it's truly final. My sister and I went for a walk that night, and I took her past my new house. The next morning I got up and found a tick on my ass. It was too much for me. All I could think was, "Really, God? Really?" Thankfully my sister was still staying with me (poor thing), but if she hadn't been there, I'd have had no one to help - no husband, no father, no mother. I'm all alone now. And nothing punctuated that feeling more than needing a bloodsucking insect removed from a delicate location I can't reach myself. 

In the early morning hours of June 8, I slept through an EF1 tornado at the apartment. My emergency alerts didn't go off on my phone, and the storm was so loud it drowned out the sirens. I heard the wind and knew there was a storm, but thought that was all it was. Thankfully there was just a large tree down outside my door, but no real structural damage, and no one was injured. 

I took possession of my house June 17. Thanks to a dozen friends and old neighbors, we were able to repaint the three bedrooms before the carpet was installed the Saturday before the movers came. That Monday S's bed was delivered from Nebraska Furniture Mart and the movers came on Tuesday. And then both the garage doors broke and the sewer backed up into the basement - all before Friday. The magnitude of work that was already needed felt intimidating, but that made it so overwhelming it was paralyzing. I felt like I couldn't do anything to fix it up until I addressed the major issues. And they were each thousands of dollars, so I tried to start saving but everything was more expensive than I had budgeted when I'd gone on that trip with my friends in March. I had to buy during the highest housing prices ever. I had to replace the carpet to be able to move in and immediately fix the sewer. Then inflation hit - the highest increase seen in 40 years. I found myself living paycheck to paycheck again, only surviving because of the maintenance check I get from my ex. Another poke from the devil. I'd planned to put those checks into savings and live on my own, but I've been forced to continue to rely on him. Hoping things settle down a bit financially in 2023. 

I did do one fiscally irresponsible thing, and that was take a trip to Colorado the week after I moved into my house. I'd decided not to go - I couldn't afford it after all the things just listed - but I never so desperately needed to get away. Plus I was working in our Denver office while I was there, so I didn't take PTO, and I stayed with friends so I only had to pay for gas and food. The cheapest vacation I could possibly take. And boy it was good for my soul. I saw friends from the dorms and went to my sorority's reunion where we got to stay in the new house. I'm not sure I could have made it til fall without full mental breakdown if I hadn't had that respite.

Then it was back to reality - braces for R, the first of two years of 3 kids in 3 schools began, V was baptized by S, S went to California to be in the Hollywood Christmas Parade. And I started therapy. 

My therapist was wonderful. She got me to a point where I was able to unpack all the emotions I'd been shoving down for the last 2 years. I'm not completely fixed by any stretch, but healing has begun. 

A Start

 I haven't written because there's been so much to say and not enough time to write all of it. But my therapist says I'm setting to lofty a goal. It's ok if all I write is one word. So for tonight I'll just say I've started the healing process. And I know I need to be patient, but I told my friend last night that I've been patient for four years waiting for things to get better, but they never did, they just got different. Not that there weren't some things that were better, but it feels like I've topped out and that "better" isn't on the horizon but in the rearview mirror. I know that's not true, but it's how I feel right now. Later when we were talking about something else that had gone wrong, she said, "Aw, don't worry, things will get different." It gave me a good laugh that I really needed. I think I'm going to make it into a shirt.  

Smiling on the Outside

April 14, 2022

I got a complimentary text from my mentor at work letting me know that the founders appreciate my joy and optimism that shows through in Webex. 

Guess I'm a better actor than I thought.

Not that my job isn't the highlight of my life right now. So grateful for it. But I really don't know how I'm going to be able to put on a happy face for a whole workday when we go back to the office in two weeks. 

Yesterday I had my headshot taken at the Nelson-Atkins Museum. I met a few coworkers in person for the first time. As an extrovert, being around people usually energizes me. But I just felt anxious and insecure the whole time I was there. I can't imagine how difficult re-entry has been for introverts who already struggle with social situations. Praying return to office life goes well.

May 13, 2022

Saturday before Easter (April 16) was a crazy busy day. I picked S up from a sleepover, then grabbed R and we went to look at a house that was for rent nearby before heading to the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. Then S & I took R to get her ears pierced and then rushed to an open house before it ended at noon. On a whim, I put in an offer before heading to a going-away party for a friend who moved to Michigan last week. That night my realtor called and said they accepted it, and I was under contract. 

I flipped out. 

I've been very conscientious in this house hunt to seek the Lord's will. Every time I've considered putting an offer on a house, I've prayed about it, slept on it, sought counsel. This time, I just made an impulsive move. And I only offered $15k over asking. Which made me wonder, why didn't anyone else make a higher bid. What's wrong with this place? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

My friend talked me off the ledge and made the valid point that it was just good timing being Easter weekend and likely not many people were househunting. And getting it for that price in the neighborhood we're in was a literal miracle. It's not perfect - it's not a ranch like I wanted, it needed a new roof, which the sellers replaced, and I'll want to pull out the carpet in the bedrooms before we move in, but all in all, it's a sound decision.

So the last month has been spent in the terrifying inspection, frustrating negotiating and desperate financing of this house. My ex and I had just started splitting up the assets, so some of it was done with cash and the lender didn't accept that as part of my down payment. So my mortgage finally got approved last night - 8 days before closing.

Other major happenings in that time were that S made the varsity dance team, R had her choir concert which was the first public performance at the school since COVID, and V had his piano recital and started spring soccer with I9. It will likely be the last time we participate in I9 Sports. The kids have been in activities with them for 10 years. A crazy milestone. The return to office was wonderful, and I continue to love my company.

The biggest news, though, was on April 28 when the memory care center called to let me know they were bringing in hospice for Mom. It's been over 7 years that she's been there, and I've been praying for her to be freed from this poor quality of life, but it hit me unexpectedly hard. Knowing hospice can last months, my sister and I anticipated Mom would hang on awhile - she's a tough lady. But I got a call this morning saying they were starting continuous care, and it would be soon. I told my mentor I was going to be with my mom but would keep working, but didn't want to join a team call that was happening. Just can't keep that smile on today. But when I got here, my hotspot wasn't working consistently, and my sister is driving in from St. Louis, so I just took the day. Praying she has safe travels here, Mom goes quickly and peacefully and I stop crying - at least until I get somewhere I can take this mask off. 

Househunting in 2022

Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash

Over 100 listings reviewed.

Over a dozen homes visited. 

Two failed offers submitted.

In less than four weeks. 

I lost out on both bids because I only offered $25,000-$35,000 over asking and required an inspection. The winners offered twice as much over asking and waived an inspection and an appraisal. The only way I can afford to bid $50,000 over, is to look at houses that are $50,000k under my budget. Options available in that price range are abysmal. The one I looked at yesterday was on a main street with crazy traffic and a cracked foundation that clearly had been leaking water under the paneling so it was warped and ruined and the floor was stained. And those were just the top two negative aspects. 

So I've put a pin in my plan to move to a permanent home and started looking at rental options. The first 3 bedroom townhome I visited is $2200/month. That's $400 more than the mortgage I had budgeted for in househunting. 

I know God has a plan for something better for me and his timing is best. Just wish it coincided with my timing.

Splatter

While warming up a frozen dinner last night, I heard a loud pop - the universal sound for The Sauce That Was on Your Ravioli is Now All Over the Interior of the Microwave. I sighed, resigning myself to the chore of cleaning it. The thing is, the little oven was already kind of messy, but I'd been ignoring it, waiting for an inevitable explosion that would warrant my attention. 

As I was scrubbing the turntable, I thought, sometimes I deal with life, relationships, the same way. I ignore the little splatters because I'm too tired to deal with them in the moment, or don't know how to address them, or hope someone else will clean them up, maybe even that they'll magically clean themselves. Sometimes they're small enough and I'm in the zone of my hustle and bustle that I don't even realize they're there.

The big blowups can't be ignored, and I usually stop what I'm doing and clean them up right away. But in doing so, I find the scrubbing is needed on those small blotches that have been left to sit. It's always easier to clean them up as soon as they happen than it is to wait. When neglected, they harden. And get crusty. And take more effort to fix than if I had worked on them right away. 

I finished wiping down the last of it and closed the door, vowing to be more proactive in the future. It's something I think I'm working on being better about in my relationships, too.