This Too Shall Pass, But …

 

Getting old sucks. 

Today in particular.

Went to a funeral for some friends' dad who passed away. He was 92 and had a good life, so that wasn't terrible. Just a little awkward since I haven't seen some of them for awhile.

A high school BFF's dad has been in the hospital the last few days from a brain bleed. He was on oxygen and they chose to remove it today. He passed away a few minutes later. Cannot imagine how hard that was for her and her sister to do. 

My last high school BFF turned 50 today. 

And found out that she also has breast cancer. I'm so furious with her doctor. She's had a cyst under her arm that they've drained and treated multiple times over the last few months. Her mom and sister both died of cancer. They never would do a biopsy until this week. Praying it's not too far along to be successfully treatable. 

As for my cancer journey, I have a site that I set up with more details. That's going as well as it can. Losing my hair which sucks but was expected. No nausea yet. A little tired. Some aching in my fingers and feet. But can't complain - especially in light of all the rest of this nonsense.

Double Whammy

Today is the third anniversary of my mom's passing. It's also the first time I met my breast surgeon. 

The appointment did not go as well as I had hoped. Based on what T went through last year, and, what I thought was a similar diagnosis, I had prepared myself for the idea that I'd have a lumpectomy followed by radiation, and possible further medication. 

Unfortunately, mine is a very different type of cancer.

Most women have estrogen-related breast cancer; I have triple-negative which is not estrogen-related. Treatment is probably going to require chemo. Which I wasn’t expecting and is a whole different ball game.

They redid my imaging today, and though the radiologist at the first place thought a second spot was only a cyst, my surgeon suggested making sure in case we want to remove it and can do it all at once.

They also wanted to have genetic testing done since triple-negative is usually hereditary, not environmental. Since there are no people in my family who have died from cancer, the surgeon was really intrigued.

So the next step is an MRI to verify there aren't any other things hiding that we'd want to look more closely at. Then another biopsy. I'll meet with an oncologist somewhere in there, and based on the lab results from the genetic testing and the biopsies, she'll decide if chemo is the best route. If so, the surgeon thought it would likely be for 3-6 months, then she'd do the lumpectomy, then I'd have radiation. 

I've got a great team, and my friends and family are all here for me. The surgeon was very encouraging that this is treatable and things are going to be OK. I know God will get me through it, but right now I'm feeling pretty low. Trying to keep a brave face while the kids are here. So much is happening with the end of the school year. This week:

• V had field day

• He got his boot off (post-cast from jumping across the playground equipment and landing on another kid's foot causing his foot to roll and break his ankle on both sides)

• R's new glasses came in and I ordered V new ones

• R had training for her summer job at the pool

• The dance teacher had a surprise party for S and her friend who are both seniors after class so I skipped book club this month

•  R's choir concert is this week

• S has graduation rehearsal on her last day of school Friday as well as the senior picnic and Senior Sizzle that night

• V won the raffle at the school carnival so gets to have a pizza lunch with a friend and the 5th grade teachers on Friday

• V has a Boy Scout camp out Friday-Sunday

• R has more job training Saturday, and there are 2 grad parties

Next week is the coup de graces of Maycember for us this year.  

• Sunday service will be graduation focused (our youth leader will not be able to get through it - he cries every year but this is a special group for him)

• Another grad party that afternoon

• Monday morning, the glass for my shower is getting installed

• R has summer school orientation

• Wednesday is graduation

• Thursday is recital dress rehearsal (I'm doing the mother/daughter dance with S - Believe by Cher and Name Game)

• Friday, R misses her last day of school to head to Chicago with the Forensics team for the nationals competition; V has his last day of school

• That night is the full recital

• Saturday, my niece gets married in Manhattan, KS, and we are helping decorate

Both of these weeks also include regular activity schedules 😳

We wrap up with a few more things the last week of the month:

• Sunday, S and I are teaching since we had to trade for the weekend before since it was grad Sunday

• Monday is Memorial Day, and R comes home from Chicago

• Wednesday is the Forensics banquet

• Saturday is the 31st, and we're sending May out with a bang with S's graduation party

I'm hoping I can wait til all of this is over and everyone can enjoy life for a little bit longer before I have to drop this bomb on them.  I'm going to soak it all in. 

May 5, 2025

Cinco de Mayo will be a different commemoration for me from now on. It will be the anniversary of the day I found out I have breast cancer. 

I took the news pretty well. The radiologist's reaction to my ultrasound was pretty confident in that result, so I had already had my breakdown after that appointment and assumed the worst. My friends, as usual, were rock stars. The high school girls came over and made tacos for dinner and consolation. And, thankfully, I didn't have to put on a brave face for my babies. After 4-1/2 months, the kids had finally gone back to stay at their dad's. 

Next step is an appointment with the surgeon next week. That will be a hard day, I'm sure. Luckily, another friend, T, who just went through this last year, is going with me. Blessings in the darkness for sure. 

Rolling Back Downhill

So the weekend before my last post, I stubbed my toe while I was cleaning the house. Then right after I wrote the post, I rolled my ankle on my ex's uneven kitchen floor - same foot. Turned out that toe was broken. So any chance of getting off my butt and moving went out the window, not to mention I'd thrown my back out for the first time in my life - thanks 50! - so had been even more of a slug. Finally started feeling better and then I cut my finger with the hedge trimmer on the first real spring-like day.  Off to urgent care for stitches, thankfully, and nothing worse. Well, except the tetanus shot to go with it. I mowed the lawn for the first time and got sick from breathing in all the pollen, so back to no working out. To sum up, when I went to my annual well woman exam this past Monday, I had gained the 10 lbs back plus 5 more. 

I've been really worried about the weight because I've been reading a book about how obesity is the underlying cause not only of diabetes, but also heart disease and cancer. Obviously with heart disease being a factor in my family history, I want to get on top of it. Then I went to my mammogram this morning. I felt uneasy as soon as I got there. They wanted to do an additional ultrasound after the mammo which has been standard for me for the last 7 years; I have an area of dense tissue on my left breast. Todays ultrasound was a little odd - the tech asked me to hum. That was new. And concerning. When she came back in after I got dressed, the radiologist was with her, and I knew. He said there's a spot next to that dense tissue that didn't look good and he's pretty sure it's cancerous. They'll do a biopsy, hopefully next week, and we'll get a plan on treatment once we know what we're dealing with. 

I'm all cried out tonight.  I was mad and sad and scared all morning. I texted my closest friends asking for prayers that 1) it turns out to be nothing, and 2) if it is something, I can continue to work full-time and take care of the kids. They have rallied around me. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. 

I'm going to wait to say anything to the kids until there's more information. If I can wait until school gets out, I will - it's S's freaking senior year. She doesn't need this extra stress going into finals, and I want her to enjoy celebrating graduation. And R is going to nationals for forensics. Want them to be able to get through this last normal month of school.

The Blues

 Winter was brutal this year. When prepping for my trip to France in the fall (a post I started but didn't finish - hopefully, I will eventually), I had been working on my posture and getting steps in so I'd be able to keep up on excursions. I was in a good rhythm. At my checkup in December, I'd lost 10 lbs. Then in the middle of the month, my ex's house flooded and the kids came to stay with me 100% of the time. Which, let's be honest, I love. But it's mid-March now, and they're still with me. January and February were cold and snowy, and I was living like Grandpa Joe, eating in my bed under the down comforter every night with V, binge-watching the entire series of The Flash. The kids have only had 1 or 2 weeks of school without a day off, and now it's spring break.

Spring is doing it's thing where we have 70-degree days followed by a blizzard. The weather is on a roller coaster that my emotions are strapped into as well. I stopped going to family events this fall because I knew my ex had been dating a few people, and I didn't want it to be a weird transition when he finally had a serious relationship. It really didn't bother me. He has a serious girlfriend now, not that he's told any of us, but it's so obvious. I wish he would just be honest with the kids. And it's not that I want to be with him, but our 5th non-anniversary is tomorrow, what would have been our 20th, and it's totally bumming me out. To top it off, his house is finally being repaired and I mentioned I was working from home this week with the kids being out of school, and he asked if I could stay at the house while it was being worked on today, and because I couldn't think of a decent excuse, I agreed. Why do I do this to myself? Now I feel worse and it's noisy and uncomfortable because I don't have a decent workspace, and signs of his girlfriend and her dog are everywhere. I wish I knew what I need to do to get over it, but I don't so defaulting to writing for the moment. That's all for now. 

Hodge Podge

I haven't been writing. I started this post in August:

This summer I found myself in an unpleasant state. I was back to feeling bitterness and jealousy and anger toward my ex. I had moved past all of that months ago. Why was it back? 

I don't even know why, honestly. And nothing I did could shake it. As I'm writing this, I realize I'm ok again, but I think that's the thing about grief. It's not linear. Stages aren't absolute. 

- - - - - - - - 

Last winter I decided I needed to take the kids to Manitoba to see where my mom grew up. It's my oldest's senior year of high school, so who knows if we'll get a chance to go after she graduates? At first I was super excited - yes, the 14-hour drive was long, but I loved the time I spent at my grandmother's house at the corner of 3rd and 3rd in their small town, and out at the family farm, and at our aunt and uncle's place in Winnipeg. 

When I started really thinking about planning it in the spring though, I realized it wouldn't be the same for my kids.

I had book club tonight, and we were lucky to get to have a Zoom call with the author, Julia Alvarez. We read her book The Cemetary of Untold Stories. I can totally relate - none of my stories have survived. Anyway, it was a great discussion - she was lovely. One thing she said, which I've heard before, is that writing is a habit, a practice, a discipline. Going to try to be better about it. Again, ha.   

First, by finishing the post above.

When I started really thinking about planning it in the spring, though, I realized it wouldn't be the same for my kids. For me, going to Manitoba meant hugging my grandmother, staying in her home, eating her delicious food - homemade buns, cookies, and nanaimo bars, along with fudgcicles and mini sugary cereal assortment packs. Playing Ante-Ante-Aye-Over, Werewolf, dark tag, croquet golf, freeze tag, hide-and-seek with my cousins. Meals with all our aunts and uncles and cousins crowded around tables that had been set up next to each other to fit everyone. Seeing wash hanging on the clothesline in the sunshine, digging in the soft, rich dirt in the garden in summer. Playing in 2 feet of snow, dragging sleds to the toboggan run at the park in winter. 

My kids were going to a place they'd never been before. They were excited to go to a different country and eat "foreign" food, but meeting a bunch of people they didn't know and not really having much to do was not enticing. So I cut the trip down to three days - one in Winnipeg with a trip to a few Folklorama pavilions, one in Carman to see where my mom grew up and hang out at my cousin's house, and one at the lake to go fishing. That was the only thing V wanted to do - go fishing. Unfortunately, my cousin who was going to take us, got sick, so we didn't get to do any fishing. 

I don't think they loved it. It's a long drive with little payoff. But now they've been. They know a bit more about their heritage. Maybe someday we'll get to go to Scotland where my mom's grandparents emigrated from. 

Milestone

Photo by vuk burgic on Unsplash

I finished going through the last box of my parents' belongings today. It was mostly bills and paperwork so not overly emotional. Though my dad's "Story of a Lifetime" book was in there - a book we bought him with prompts so he could fill in stories about his life. He didn't get as far as he or we hoped, but it's still nice to have what we do. I flipped through it for a second and had to laugh. For the prompt "What were you like as a child?" He wrote: (perfect) 

I miss him.

And mom. I found a devotion I started but hadn't finished that was about the fruits of the spirit and under Love, I was supposed to put a person who exemplified that, and of course I listed her. 

I also wrapped up things with Mom's account in Canada which is a huge relief. Trying to get my affairs in order for my kids. So grateful to my parents for doing what they did, but there were still some tough loose ends. Hoping to avoid that for the next generation.  

Only Big Kids Now

My ex got laid off last August. He finally got a new job in February, but it's overseeing a plant on the other side of town, and one in Ohio. So he has to travel fairly often - hopefully only for the first 6 months or so. So the dog has been having to stay with me 4-5 days every couple of weeks. It's a struggle that I'll get into later. 

I preface the story with this detail because he had to go out of town the week he was supposed to have the kids, so I had them for two weeks in a row, so then he had them for two weeks in a row, which I did not like. I missed them too much. But they came back Saturday and got settled in. That night, V said he didn't need me to put him to bed; he'd been doing it himself the last few days. I knew it would probably happen within the next year, but I really wasn't ready. Between that and having taken S on a college visit early that week, my mama heart was proud, but sad, too. 

Tired of Being STRONG

In November, a boy from our church was riding in the car with his dad when they were hit by a drunk driver. Nolan was in critical condition. Blue signs and bracelets were made – #NOLANSTRONG. We prayed; we held a walk; we rallied. In the end, his little body was too traumatized, and he passed away. 

It was particularly hard on V. They weren't close, V was a year older, but ran in the same group. They had gone with a couple of other boys to a KU football game a few weeks before the accident. For a 10 YO to process this, on top of having broken his wrist over the summer, his ankle during the fall, and just see the frailty of life in general was a lot. I started taking him to the counselor I saw last year, and that has helped. 

Then this past Sunday, the Chiefs beat the 49ers in Super Bowl LVIII in Vegas in OT. With the weather being unseasonably warm in the 60s and all the new football fans (thanks to the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce romance), S and I decided not to go to the parade. V was disappointed, but we went last year, so once I set him up with an opportunity to hang out at a friend's house, he was ok. 

I'm so grateful we didn't go. 

It was a beautiful day, Kansas City at its finest. Probably around the same number of fans attended as in 2023. The rally wrapped up outside of Union Station, and as people started to head out, gunshots erupted. 22 people were shot: 1 was killed. 

Half were kids. 

And then the posts and images of Kansas City Strong started showing up. 

I know people mean well. I know they want to support our community. We will heal. But we shouldn't have to. I'm so tired of being STRONG. On a walk yesterday, I told God I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm ready for him to come back. This world is not my home, and I'm done here. 

But it's not my time, it's His. 

So for now, I'll keep praying and trusting in Him and letting Him be strong for me.

Dear Diary

Last week at work was Wellness Week. It's a week where we focus on all aspects of health - exercise, nutrition, mental health, philanthropy. One of the tasks was to write a journal entry about my personal growth, my health and wellbeing, and/or my goals and aspirations. 

I haven't been making time for journaling like I had planned to. On the plus side, I am doing MUCH better than I was a year ago. But if I'm completely honest, I haven't really done the introspection work I need to. I've been focusing outwardly. Which is good, but doesn't fully resolve the internal struggle. Maybe acknowledging that will lead to making it a priority. We'll see. 

For now, I'll address the items listed above. With respect to my personal growth, I went to my 30th high school reunion. It was fun and awkward and weird all rolled into one. Some people look exactly the same. Some look totally different. Some I really didn't remember. There were quite a few first-timers there which was fun. The tour of the school was cool. Crazy that the band teacher and the theater teacher are still there. Ultimately, I'd say I've grown leaps and bounds from the person I was in high school. 

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my health and wellbeing. I need to schedule a yearly physical. I haven't been doing a good job of taking care of myself. Busy with the kids and their crazy schedules, work, and just life. I'm tired. 

As for goals and aspirations, I guess I'd say I want to try to take the kids to Canada next year. I'd like to do a mission trip to Poland the following summer. I want to do a better job managing my finances. I need to save for a car. I think my dream job is still to be a travel writer, but need to be writing more if I want to make a career of it. Maybe someday when the kids are out of the house. 

For now, I need to get some work done, a little housecleaning, and some praying since S got her license and is driving around on her own now. Overall, life is good. And I'm grateful since I wouldn't have said that this time last year. 

I Don't Know How You'll Make a Way, But I Know You Will

Photo by asma Alrashed on Unsplash

I'm writing this post to archive this memory and to give God praise for everything. 

One of the ways I hear from Him most clearly is that I often have a song stuck in my head when I wake up in the morning. Today was "Know You Will" by Hillsong United. I just kept hearing the refrain over and over - "I don’t know how you’ll make a way, but I know you will." 

To be frank, my bank account is in dire straits this week. But I wasn’t even thinking about that, honestly. I was actually feeling a sense of foreboding that a new challenge was going to pop up and this was to prepare me for it. But then a friend gifted me some money unexpectedly, and I felt God's hand in it. 

Grateful for my friend listening to His voice and obeying, and for His providence and care for my family and me. 

What's the Word?

Photo by Acton Crawford on Unsplash

Alanis Morrisette would say it was ironic. Coincidence? Satirical? Maybe just weird. I'm not sure.

Tuesday was the one-year anniversary of my divorce. That night, my ex got into an accident, totaling his Explorer. Flashback to 2018 when he was hit head-on by an F150, totaling his first Explorer, which was the impetus to the downward spiral of our lives, culminating in the divorce. 

What do you call that kind of absurd alignment?

I want to say it bookended that chapter of life, but I'm not sure that it did. I want this to make a positive impact in my ex's life. I want him to see what's really important. But I feel like the odds of him relapsing into a mid-life crisis is more likely than a come-to-Jesus moment. For my kids' sake, I'm praying that doesn't happen again. 

My son was in the car with him Tuesday, and thankfully no one was seriously injured. It was a white-knuckle drive to the scene for me as I prayed that he was ok. The paramedics were finishing looking him over in dark in the freezing rain when I got there. Seeing him standing up on his own was a huge relief. They released him to me to take to the ER for a thorough exam, and as we passed the poor teen who had been driving the other car, I squeezed his arm and told him it was ok. He and his dad were apologetic and the poor kid was distraught. But in the end, cars can be replaced. Everyone walked away from it and that's all that matters. 

Photo by Ante Gudelj on Unsplash

I had such good intentions after my last post to just use a minute or two, here or there and not worry about making a long, or even cohesive post. But frankly, just finishing the year took most of my time and energy. So quick summary of the last 6 months: 

Mom passed away May 14. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. She hadn't spoken in a couple of years and stopped being herself long before that. But now it's truly final. My sister and I went for a walk that night, and I took her past my new house. The next morning I got up and found a tick on my ass. It was too much for me. All I could think was, "Really, God? Really?" Thankfully my sister was still staying with me (poor thing), but if she hadn't been there, I'd have had no one to help - no husband, no father, no mother. I'm all alone now. And nothing punctuated that feeling more than needing a bloodsucking insect removed from a delicate location I can't reach myself. 

In the early morning hours of June 8, I slept through an EF1 tornado at the apartment. My emergency alerts didn't go off on my phone, and the storm was so loud it drowned out the sirens. I heard the wind and knew there was a storm, but thought that was all it was. Thankfully there was just a large tree down outside my door, but no real structural damage, and no one was injured. 

I took possession of my house June 17. Thanks to a dozen friends and old neighbors, we were able to repaint the three bedrooms before the carpet was installed the Saturday before the movers came. That Monday S's bed was delivered from Nebraska Furniture Mart and the movers came on Tuesday. And then both the garage doors broke and the sewer backed up into the basement - all before Friday. The magnitude of work that was already needed felt intimidating, but that made it so overwhelming it was paralyzing. I felt like I couldn't do anything to fix it up until I addressed the major issues. And they were each thousands of dollars, so I tried to start saving but everything was more expensive than I had budgeted when I'd gone on that trip with my friends in March. I had to buy during the highest housing prices ever. I had to replace the carpet to be able to move in and immediately fix the sewer. Then inflation hit - the highest increase seen in 40 years. I found myself living paycheck to paycheck again, only surviving because of the maintenance check I get from my ex. Another poke from the devil. I'd planned to put those checks into savings and live on my own, but I've been forced to continue to rely on him. Hoping things settle down a bit financially in 2023. 

I did do one fiscally irresponsible thing, and that was take a trip to Colorado the week after I moved into my house. I'd decided not to go - I couldn't afford it after all the things just listed - but I never so desperately needed to get away. Plus I was working in our Denver office while I was there, so I didn't take PTO, and I stayed with friends so I only had to pay for gas and food. The cheapest vacation I could possibly take. And boy it was good for my soul. I saw friends from the dorms and went to my sorority's reunion where we got to stay in the new house. I'm not sure I could have made it til fall without full mental breakdown if I hadn't had that respite.

Then it was back to reality - braces for R, the first of two years of 3 kids in 3 schools began, V was baptized by S, S went to California to be in the Hollywood Christmas Parade. And I started therapy. 

My therapist was wonderful. She got me to a point where I was able to unpack all the emotions I'd been shoving down for the last 2 years. I'm not completely fixed by any stretch, but healing has begun. 

A Start

 I haven't written because there's been so much to say and not enough time to write all of it. But my therapist says I'm setting to lofty a goal. It's ok if all I write is one word. So for tonight I'll just say I've started the healing process. And I know I need to be patient, but I told my friend last night that I've been patient for four years waiting for things to get better, but they never did, they just got different. Not that there weren't some things that were better, but it feels like I've topped out and that "better" isn't on the horizon but in the rearview mirror. I know that's not true, but it's how I feel right now. Later when we were talking about something else that had gone wrong, she said, "Aw, don't worry, things will get different." It gave me a good laugh that I really needed. I think I'm going to make it into a shirt.  

Smiling on the Outside

April 14, 2022

I got a complimentary text from my mentor at work letting me know that the founders appreciate my joy and optimism that shows through in Webex. 

Guess I'm a better actor than I thought.

Not that my job isn't the highlight of my life right now. So grateful for it. But I really don't know how I'm going to be able to put on a happy face for a whole workday when we go back to the office in two weeks. 

Yesterday I had my headshot taken at the Nelson-Atkins Museum. I met a few coworkers in person for the first time. As an extrovert, being around people usually energizes me. But I just felt anxious and insecure the whole time I was there. I can't imagine how difficult re-entry has been for introverts who already struggle with social situations. Praying return to office life goes well.

May 13, 2022

Saturday before Easter (April 16) was a crazy busy day. I picked S up from a sleepover, then grabbed R and we went to look at a house that was for rent nearby before heading to the neighborhood Easter egg hunt. Then S & I took R to get her ears pierced and then rushed to an open house before it ended at noon. On a whim, I put in an offer before heading to a going-away party for a friend who moved to Michigan last week. That night my realtor called and said they accepted it, and I was under contract. 

I flipped out. 

I've been very conscientious in this house hunt to seek the Lord's will. Every time I've considered putting an offer on a house, I've prayed about it, slept on it, sought counsel. This time, I just made an impulsive move. And I only offered $15k over asking. Which made me wonder, why didn't anyone else make a higher bid. What's wrong with this place? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

My friend talked me off the ledge and made the valid point that it was just good timing being Easter weekend and likely not many people were househunting. And getting it for that price in the neighborhood we're in was a literal miracle. It's not perfect - it's not a ranch like I wanted, it needed a new roof, which the sellers replaced, and I'll want to pull out the carpet in the bedrooms before we move in, but all in all, it's a sound decision.

So the last month has been spent in the terrifying inspection, frustrating negotiating and desperate financing of this house. My ex and I had just started splitting up the assets, so some of it was done with cash and the lender didn't accept that as part of my down payment. So my mortgage finally got approved last night - 8 days before closing.

Other major happenings in that time were that S made the varsity dance team, R had her choir concert which was the first public performance at the school since COVID, and V had his piano recital and started spring soccer with I9. It will likely be the last time we participate in I9 Sports. The kids have been in activities with them for 10 years. A crazy milestone. The return to office was wonderful, and I continue to love my company.

The biggest news, though, was on April 28 when the memory care center called to let me know they were bringing in hospice for Mom. It's been over 7 years that she's been there, and I've been praying for her to be freed from this poor quality of life, but it hit me unexpectedly hard. Knowing hospice can last months, my sister and I anticipated Mom would hang on awhile - she's a tough lady. But I got a call this morning saying they were starting continuous care, and it would be soon. I told my mentor I was going to be with my mom but would keep working, but didn't want to join a team call that was happening. Just can't keep that smile on today. But when I got here, my hotspot wasn't working consistently, and my sister is driving in from St. Louis, so I just took the day. Praying she has safe travels here, Mom goes quickly and peacefully and I stop crying - at least until I get somewhere I can take this mask off. 

Househunting in 2022

Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash

Over 100 listings reviewed.

Over a dozen homes visited. 

Two failed offers submitted.

In less than four weeks. 

I lost out on both bids because I only offered $25,000-$35,000 over asking and required an inspection. The winners offered twice as much over asking and waived an inspection and an appraisal. The only way I can afford to bid $50,000 over, is to look at houses that are $50,000k under my budget. Options available in that price range are abysmal. The one I looked at yesterday was on a main street with crazy traffic and a cracked foundation that clearly had been leaking water under the paneling so it was warped and ruined and the floor was stained. And those were just the top two negative aspects. 

So I've put a pin in my plan to move to a permanent home and started looking at rental options. The first 3 bedroom townhome I visited is $2200/month. That's $400 more than the mortgage I had budgeted for in househunting. 

I know God has a plan for something better for me and his timing is best. Just wish it coincided with my timing.

Splatter

While warming up a frozen dinner last night, I heard a loud pop - the universal sound for The Sauce That Was on Your Ravioli is Now All Over the Interior of the Microwave. I sighed, resigning myself to the chore of cleaning it. The thing is, the little oven was already kind of messy, but I'd been ignoring it, waiting for an inevitable explosion that would warrant my attention. 

As I was scrubbing the turntable, I thought, sometimes I deal with life, relationships, the same way. I ignore the little splatters because I'm too tired to deal with them in the moment, or don't know how to address them, or hope someone else will clean them up, maybe even that they'll magically clean themselves. Sometimes they're small enough and I'm in the zone of my hustle and bustle that I don't even realize they're there.

The big blowups can't be ignored, and I usually stop what I'm doing and clean them up right away. But in doing so, I find the scrubbing is needed on those small blotches that have been left to sit. It's always easier to clean them up as soon as they happen than it is to wait. When neglected, they harden. And get crusty. And take more effort to fix than if I had worked on them right away. 

I finished wiping down the last of it and closed the door, vowing to be more proactive in the future. It's something I think I'm working on being better about in my relationships, too. 

1st Anniversary

Photo by Cade Holmquist on Unsplash

Last Saturday would have been our 17th wedding anniversary. I knew it would be hard, so when my girlfriends started talking about a weekend trip to the Ozarks, we set it to take place then. 

We had a fun and relaxing time hanging out on the screened-in balcony, working on a puzzle, walking by the lake, listening to 80s music and comedians. 

It was a good distraction, but there were still moments when memories snuck up on me. While washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and thought, "This is about the time I was getting my hair and makeup done." The tears came. I gave them their moment, and then moved on. 

My friends listened and supported and advised and encouraged and nudged. They helped me figure out my budget for househunting and come up with Plans B and C in case Plan A wasn't in the right timing. I felt less anxious by the time we left.

This is one of many firsts in this new phase. Some will be welcomed, some will be dreaded, but all will be survived.

Vent

Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash

One of my best friends from high school texted our group chat this morning to let us know she was in the hospital. She had a mild heart attack.

She's doing ok.

I'm definitely not ok. I feel like such a jerk making this about me, but I hate that this is the phase of life we're in. I texted my sister and told her it's probably just PTSD from our dad. I've been dreading turning 48 this year. That's how old my dad was when he had his first heart attack. I know I can do things to guard against it, but pandemic divorce life was not conducive to healthy living for me. 

Another facet of it is my frustration with my ex. This is the kind of stuff we were supposed to face together. I'm pissed at him for not being here for these kinds of things. Not that he was great at that while we were married, honestly. 

That's all. Just needed to vent, and now I'm done. And I do actually feel better. Onward and upward. 

Double standard

Checked the first box for "Divorced" Tuesday. I knew it would happen, just didn't expect it to be so soon.

And, of course, I cried. 

Went to the OBGYN for my yearly the next day. The nurse asked if my marital status was still separated, and I said, "Actually it's officially divorced, as of Monday." She asked how it went, and I told her fine, but it's been a hard week. 

And, of course, I cried. 

She left and came back with this mini Hershey's bar, gave me a hug, and said it was fitting and chocolate makes everything better. 

It did make me smile. 

Unfortunately, over the last two years, there have just been a lot more tears. Which anyone would say is understandable. The world as we knew it ended when the coronavirus pandemic closures began. My husband immediately shut down and avoided the kids and me - while quarantined in the same house for three months. He wouldn't talk about it, except to say that he was depressed. I was so worried. That summer he made his first statement that we should divorce, and in the fall he moved out. On top of that, my job was deteriorating, and I had no hope of finding a new one while on lockdown. Plus, that year I was functioning as a single parent and trying to work full time from home while doing remote school with a kindergartener, 4th grader, and 7th grader. 

I had high hopes for 2021, but they were shattered within the first couple of days when my husband finally admitted he'd had an affair. The next day I got sick and it turned out to be COVID-19. After recovering, I told him I was willing to do the work to fix our marriage if he was. He didn't know, wanted time to think about it. Ultimately, we made the decision to divorce almost one year ago - March 20. But it took this whole time to get through the logistics and mediation and be able to begin exiting a weird limbo. I kept thinking. "I just need to reach point X in time, and I'll be ok. I'll start to feel better. I won't want to cry in the middle of the day." I really dug into prayer and my Bible and that is what sustained me, being rooted in the knowledge that I am a child of God and loved by Him and he's got me - no matter what. I tried to get outside for fresh air and exercise on really hard days. I tried to eat better on weeks when I was at the apartment. I did have two very big blessings last year – an amazing new job and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to Kenya for a missions trip. 

The new year brought some hints at closure as we set the apartment lease to end June 30 in anticipation of the divorce being finalized and our nesting arrangement ending. But winter dragged on and my car needed new wiring. Then new rear brakes. Then new front brakes. My finances have become tenuous, and I'd hoped they'd be robust as I begin researching mortgages and moving options. Russia invaded Ukraine. Through a ministry partner at church, I'm helping with refugees locally as well as updating our mission team's social media with news from their front lines in Poland. There was a shooting at a local high school last week.

In short, life is stressful. And depressing. So when the OBGYN asked if I'd like some medication to help with that, I said yes. 

I've long been a proponent of mental health care and not being afraid to ask for help and that medication is great. But I've never been one to ask for it for me. Because I didn't need it. I have joy in my heart. I know how to address the factors that affect my mental health. And I felt like a failure admitting that wasn't enough. Which is the opposite of what I tell everyone else! The devil is doing his best to get me, but I'm letting God fight him on my behalf. Enough of this double standard. It's another new in my life, and I'm embracing it.